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the brief histories of who we've loved

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[09 Apr 2005|02:20am]

hi, I'm new in this community. It appeared to be very interesting and helpful for those hopeless romantics! Or those who are hopelessly in love. I'm not completely aware of what you guys do in this community, fill me in please! I have several relationship questions and answers for many, if needed!
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new here [09 Apr 2003|12:09am]

[ mood | confused ]

hi all, i'm new here. my name is caleb, and i'm a little tranny boy from massachusetts. i'm married to a wonderful woman, but i have another love, and i'm looking for some advice about how to handle my situation.

background: i met susan when i was a junior in college. she was one of my professors, and we immediately hit it off. she had just had a brain tumor removed, and i was just diagnosed with one, so we were able to comfort and support one another. we became very emotionally involved -- nothing too physical ever happened (just a lot of general touchy-feely stuff), and nothing was ever mentioned about what was going on. she was in a committed relationship with a man she had been dating for 25 years, and i was her student, so nothing realistic could happen between us. after a year, i met dana (my wife), and fell deeply in love with her. when that happened, i put my feelings for susan aside. i tried to make them go away, but they've always been there. dana has known this, and has stayed with me anyway. she now wants me to explore my feelings for susan, and so that's why i'm here.

susan and i keep in touch pretty regularly, emailing back and forth at least once every two or three weeks. we see each other rarely, but we are still close. in fact, she was the officiant at our wedding ceremony. i told her once that i had been in love with her a long time ago. she sort of changed the subject, and said she was flattered, but nothing was discussed. i'm now thinking that i need to tell her how i feel right now. i don't realistically think that anything will come of it, but i still feel the need to be honest with her. i could risk losing her completely by telling her, since she has a lot of issues with emotion, especially when it comes to me, but it seems like a risk i need to take. i want to be honest with her and myself, and i'm not sure i can do that if i keep all this hidden away forever.

do any of you have any advice for a victim of unrequited love? should i tell her and come clean, or should i keep it to myself?

any thoughts would be most appreciated. thanks in advance...

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[Spark] [02 Jan 2003|01:40pm]

If it is a temple
lust is looming
settling into the skin
I want life brought back
into this tired body
I want the spark

I have seen the window
no surprises outside
Nothing here to keep me
But you are sacred
Can I feel it too

Be my spark
before the sun is down
Bring me back to life
Breathe into me

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Question [01 Jan 2003|08:36pm]

I'm really glad to see more users appearing here.

Question: Are there things you regret about some of your more serious relationships? If you could change something about a relationship that didn't work out, what would it be?

I guess I could say something I regret is one of my more recent relationships. It was with a girl, and the only thing I really regret is it lasting too long before I realized that not only was I bi (both of us knew this), but I was actually full-on gay. I decided to experiment with a guy while I was in a relationship with this girl... I did love her, but I think I was in love with her mind more than anything. And even that became stale. It was really tumultuous at times, and when she found out about my experimenting there were a lot of trust issues. If I could change something about it, I'd have to say I would have ended it when I had doubts instead of letting it run for as long as I did.
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His Mind is a Slaughterhouse [31 Dec 2002|03:37pm]

This is something I wrote for my first boyfriend Dallas. I was devoted...but he lied way too much.

"His Mind is a Slaughterhouse" 8.14.02
for DK

My best friend's mind is a slaughterhouse.
That's what I told him when I left him there,
at the corner of Tulsa and Holly.
He stood still, holding a megaphone and reciting his favourite poem
(the one about the bullies and the streetlights
and the speeding cars).

He was a sort of drug, I believe,
in times of mist and mud puddles and
extreme weather that, deep down, killed a part of me.
I'd never let him make me numb.

I spoke with screaming eyes and he answered
with a certain degree of twisted humour or tortured peace.
He called himself on that peace, and yes, tortured.
I smiled a worried smile, said a prayer,
and drove away so quickly that the world stood still around me.
'Now THAT'S drama,' he mouthed through the smokey glass.
That's when I saw that he was invisible, just as he wished
all that time ago; back in the doorway of his living room.
The world had dulled him as he faded out slowly.

Awhile ago, he got a tattoo. I don't know what of though.
I don't think it means that much to him.
It's a mark on him that just hangs there like that trenchcoat
suspended in a murky closet;
like all those war-time stories of the scars
he hasn't even come to know like family.

Even I know that I'd never hold the knife that gave him those scars.
I would BE the knife that gave him those scars.
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